why am i so stupid. why do i not understand any of what we’re supposed to be doing. i am such a failure.3 days in a row as well, after months and months of not. why the fuck do i start again now. and i feel so fucking needy, every day I just feel the need to talk to him when i know he doesnt want to talk to me. its obvious. the poor boy having to deal with me. his fault though, he started the conversation first. dork hahahaha, now hes stuck with me. why does he do it though, he could just ignore me and everything i say, although i suppose i must come off needy or like i need someone because things are bad. which is true. but he doesnt need to know that. he isnt supposed to either. i just want someone to care about me and what happens to me. i dont know how much longer i can take it all. its so hard, being there for them all while no ones there for me. its just hard. and really not fair, because i try my hardest to make sure theyre all okay and happy, but no one cares the slightest bit about me when im not good, even when im not bad. only andrea has asked me if im okay, and that was when i had my head on the desk, so it really was quite obvious to anyone. far out. i just need to find some actual friends who care about others and what happens to their so called best friends.
i promised myself i wouldnt, but its getting bad and i dont know who else to turn to.
shit me. I can’t believe I did it again. it had been months. absolute months. about 6. and in a bloody moment of weakness that’s what it turned out as. a bloody moment. and it fucking stings so bad. it only hurt like this the first times. it didnt at all before. this is not normal. I hate this why did I do it. shit shit shit what if mum notices. or anyone else for that matter. shit I can’t believe it. what am I going to do. I can’t go back there. I can’t. it’s been a year since it stated. approximately. and I can’t let it start at the blinking same time! I just can’t. I can’t creat more scars to have to cover up and make excuses. it’s not right. why did I do this to myself. I can’t.